Force-Feeding my Mom?

Hi Jean,

I think  I have told you before that I am a social worker in a nursing home. Have been doing geriatric social work for almost 20 years. Most of my residents are the long term care folks. This issue comes up often and is always so hard on everyone. I think you can listen to your heart telling you what you know to be true. It is also true that your mom may be eating well for different caregivers at different times. Lots of times residents for whatever reason don't eat as well for family sometimes;and then again they will eat better for a family member and not staff. She may also just be feeling new and unfamiliar. We just had a care plan conference and the main issue was the one you are facing. The daughters had the same feelings as you have and had just been letting her eat what she wanted not pushing the issue with her and the husband was trying to "force feed" her. For staff, she was eating well and also was eating a huge breakfast but not much for lunch or dinner. He was doing it out of love but it just made this little lady more upset.
You can keep bringing her favorites and the staff can offer her supplements and make sure she is getting stuff she likes. They probably weigh her every week and you can see if she is gaining or losing. Whatever is going on...she is most likely not feeling hungry so not suffering like you and I might. She may be on the decline and it is very natural for her appetite to wane. And, again, she may just be adjusting.
It sounds like the facility is handling it well and most of all you have been and continue to be a WONDERFUL daughter...You are such a good good daughter.
Please feel free to contact me...there are so many people here to listen and care...
I hope she settles in and eats better. Take Care...
I am thinking of you and your mom...
Cheryl

Cheryl,

Thanks for your professional - and heartfelt - advice.  I think Mom does need time to adjust to her new living cir****tances.  I explained it all 12 times today but she was still bewildered by the time I left.  I'm sure the nursing home will monitor her eating and keep me posted.  I don't think Mom is feeling hungry - sometimes, food actually seems to disgust her - but when she does want to eat, I want her to have plenty of tasty choices (even if it's empty calories like Reeses Peanut Butter Cups - why not eat those as much as you like after a lifetime of dieting?.

Thanks so much for your support.

Jean

Jean,

I have been meaning to email you again but where my time goes, I don't know. 
I am glad the move has gone smoothly and that you are pleased with the new doctor.  Having confidence in the doctor that cares for yourself or a loved one is big in my book.
Now I believe you said that he was trying Mom on some new medication.  That could change her appetite.  Also with the move and her diagnosis of dementia/Alzheimer's, she will take some time to *settle in*.  Also with this diagnosis, many have to be reminded to eat and may have to be offered small amounts several times a day.

So, first, I would give Mom a chance to get accustomed to her new surroundings and people.  Someone else mentioned that she will be weighed once a week and that will give you an indication if she is losing, or maintaining or gaining.

Should it come down to decision time about tube feeding, then I don't think I would.  It seems that you and your mother have some very good conversations at times and when you feel you can talk to her about her wishes, then do so. 

I think you are trying so hard to do the right thing and your Mom will know it.  As a matter of fact, I think she told you so one day not long ago.  You are a wonderful, caring daughter and doing the best you can.  You are the one having to make all the decisons and it is a hard one to make.  But holding on to someone for our own selfish reasons would make me feel guilty. 

These are just my opinions, Jean.  Take what you want and leave the rest.  I hope things get easier for you soon.

Shelia

Shelia,

I think you're right.  I need to give Mom plenty of time to adjust to her new surroundings and caregivers.

My mom and I have had some very tough times in the past, and to be perfectly honest, she didn't always do a great job of mothering me most of the time because she was so busy taking care of my mentally-ill brother and my whacky father.  But I am grateful to her for giving me life in the first place, I know how hard she has worked and struggled, I know how miserable my abusive brother made her, and all I want for her right now is to be safe and comfortable.  If this Alheimer's drug does any good at all, I should be able to talk with Mom and make some decisions about feeding in the future.  I just don't think she's capable of that kind of discussion now, with the dementia and disorientation she has.

But even if I lost her tomorrow, I would always have the memory of her saying, "How wonderful it is to have a daughter who knows how to do everything!"

After a lifetime of criticism by Mom, that was an amazing thing to hear!.

Last weekend, she also said, "Those are really nice pants you have on"  (size 10 khaki capris with a blue-pink-green floral print).  I thanked her and then she poked my butt and said, "did you know there's a pink flower on your bottom?"

That was one time out of maybe 3 times that she voluntarily touched me since I can remember (she was not affectionate when I was a child).  I had to laugh about the flower on my butt.  Before WLS, she would've been *****ing at me about the whole danged garden of flowers on my butt.

JEAN

Thanks for caring,
Jean

Thank you all for your honest responses,

My DH is against us against building a ramp to our front door, but I think his objection is mental (who will pay for it?  I will) and psychological (who will pay for a ramp to our house, and will it be moveable? - Yes, it will).I just have to think that the exercise of getting Mom out here once a week, and then back to the nursing home, will keep her more alert than when we let her vegetate all day long,  But the CNA's and nurses who saw Mom today all said, "That walker wil have to go.."  I told them it's up to them to evaluate Mom for walker use and make a final decsion,  Anyway, the ramp decision for our house is pretty minor.  Tomorrow when I see Mom,, bring her  clothes (they don't need toiletries), and as much stuff as will it fit in, they should be able to judge her competency, whatever that means. By next Thursday, their hairdresser, JJ (who works at my hairdresser's salon), will be able to give Mom a haircut (provided by the home), as long as I show up and give JJ instructions.  t will take a few photos with me, but honestly, Mom never likes any haircut.  So, if JJ does as good a job as Teresa did previously, we'll be fine.  I think Mom wants to look like Victoria Beckham (might be nice for many of us, if we lost 30-50+ pounds and really SUCKED it in).  The fact is, Mom has stick-straight, thin hair, and whatever JJ can do to make it look better and keep it out of Mom's eyes is a good thing.

I guess what matters now is that Polly & Georgie can go to visit Mom any time (with immunization papers).  I can't image taking more than 1 dog at a time, but either of of them would be OVERJOYED to visit ANYBODY and EVERYBODY at the nursing home.  That sounds like a too-fun visit to me.

Oh Jean,
I know how hard this is on you. My mother spent her last 3 months in the hospital. First a 12 hour surgery, gained 65lbs, trying to keep her blood pressure up. Then not being able to get off the respirator..it was just oone thing after another. She had a couple of seizures, and of course I was the one there. I have 2 sisters but when something went wrong, it was alsways me up there alone. She was in Rochester, MN and we live in Des Moines, IA....so it wasn't like anybody could get there real quick, we took turns staying. Then off the respirator, got to get up and walk a little, I did her hair and nails...she was doing better. Then the infection you get from being in the hospital so long...back on the respitator...that's when we had to make those decisions. Put a feeding tube in, whether to quit meds or not.
we just decided to quit giving her the meds. Let the infection just do its  thing, cause there's nothing you can do for it. This was 20 years ago.

Before she had surgery. one day I came home and she tells me this story. My dad had died 2 years before. Anyway, she says "Your dad was here today. Sitting at the counter eating lunch, He asked me where I'd been cause he's been waiting for me"
so many times in that 3 months, i thought about that.
and I knew it would be okay cause dad was waiting for her

Just be sure to take care of you while you're going thru this.

(((((((Hugs)))))))))
Nancy

Jean,

Listen to your heart and make her remaining time comfortable. If that means supplying all sorts of goodies - just do it.

It's not suicide by starvation, her body is not so active and probably not too hungry most of the time.

You are going through some difficult times with many decisions to face. What a wonderful daughter to take on this responsibility.

My Mom had little or no appetite towards the end. She liked to have a "stash" of goodies in her dresser, so I kept the supply rotated and well stocked.

Her last weeks were spent searching for her parents and my Dad - all gone. It was heartbreaking. When she finally passed, she had a peacefull look on her face and I KNEW she was with them again.

God be with you.
Annette

Oh Jean, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I am so sorry that you must go through this but it is a road that most of us must travel down. I am not an only child but I do have a sister who is older that had many issues with mom and never wanted to participate and never did. Bill holds that against her to this day but I just tell him that I did what I had to do. When I die and face my God I can tell him that I did the best that I could and that is all I have to do. When Carolyn dies it is up to her on what she tell her God.
My mom had Alzheimer's and spent the last 4 years of her life in a nursing home. She lived with us ever since we got married and that was alright. I told her that I would take care of her as long as I could and she was alright with that. When it came time to put her in a nursing home she was the first one to mention it to me.
I had to sign the DNR paper for her and that was a very hard thing for me to do. I didn't want to think about losing mom. I had lost my dad at the age of 15. Mom and I was never really close but as I got older we did get closer. We had talked many times about things like this and I knew that is what she wanted. It was hard but not for the reason of what it was.
In the end mom stopped eating and was not drinking much either. I know that when hospice was called in it helped. When and if that time ever comes the nursing home will be a big help with a hospice choice. I treasured each day with mom when the end was coming. Some times she knew me and other times she didn't. One time she told me that she didn't know why I was calling her mom but she wasn't my mom. Then she yelled at me to get out and I went to sit in the hall for a few minutes and when I went in again she was fine. Alzheimer's is like that at times. It is not a easy disease for the family.
The morning that she passed I had a care plan meeting. Bill went down to see her and he told me that she was cranky because they were changing her bed. She didn't talk much but she let you know when she wasn't happy. That was mom! As soon as I walked in I knew what was happening. I told Bill to call Carolyn and tell her that mom was going to pass. She was gone in a half hour. The nurses told me that they had never seen someone go so fast. I am glad that it happened like that. Mom was extremely hard of hearing. I know that morning she heard everything that I said to her. I could just feel it. I told her that it was wonderful having her as my mom and I couldn't have had a better one. I then told her that she would be missed and that it was alright and I would be fine. I told her that I knew she had missed dad and it was time for her to spend her time with him now and that he was waiting for her. I stayed with her but left the room for a few minutes and that is when she passed. Sometimes our loved ones wait to have us gone to save us from the pain of seeing them pain. I know that my dad did and I knew that is why mom did too.
I guess after all of this the thing that I am trying to say is that maybe things won't be like you would like for them to be but they are the way that God wants for them to be. We have to realize that and know that no matter how things are they are for the good of God and that makes them perfect.
My heart and love goes out to you and know that if there is ever anything that I can do for you or if you just want to chat my number is in the directory and also my e-mail is too. Know that we are here for you during whatever happens and when ever it does happen. I am keeping you in prayers for understanding, acceptance and the peace that only passes all understanding because it is from God.

Just alittle add-on,,,The nursing home I worked at had different music groups or vocalists come in every 2 wks to play or sing "familiar" songs for the residents in the evening after supper.
They also had "Bingo" once a wk and the residents would win candy bars or low sugar snacks.
We encouraged all the residents to attend as many functions as possible if just to get out of their room for awhile. Those that felt "more comfortable" in their room would have room visits by animals..ie..dogs, cats, large birds, sheep, goats, etc. This was a very upscale nursing home and yet they did allow these trained animals...never a problem. Pet therapy dogs would come in for longer visits and sit on the residents' beds and be cuddled. Most of the residents loved the animals' visits.
Bringing in familiar pets would probably make your mom happy. Playing her favorite music or bringing in favorite movies she can play in her room might make her feel more at ease also.
I'll keep you and your mom in my prayers,
Alice